In the Morning
by TheClockisTicking
Summary: In the morning, as I walked home from campus, I was human. In the next, I wasn't.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Just an idea that popped into my head**

 **Disclaimer: Do not own Twilight**

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I awoke with a start, eyes opening wide.

For a moment everything was blurry, my eyes slick with moisture as if I'd been crying and they'd overflowed with tears.

Then as I blinked the moisture away, detail came into focus.

At first, all I could see was gray. Gray boxy fields of color, in various shades - like a Rothko painting I'd once seen as a child on a school field trip.

But that was odd - my apartment wasn't gray at all. My roommate and I had opted out of painting our walls when we'd first moved in. After all, we were going to be graduating college soon, and Jessica had rolled her eyes when I'd mentioned painting them.

 _It'd be such a hassle painting it all back to white when we move out. So, better not to, right?._

I'd liked color though - I'd never lived in a room where my walls weren't painted some fun shade of fuchsia or chartreuse - the more exotic the better. It was one of the only things I'd shared with my extroverted mother, a love for color.

But I was quiet, shy Bella and I didn't want to rock the boat. At least, not with one year to go at UW before I earned my bachelor's degree. So I'd acquiesced. I could survive a year of white walls.

But this gray - it wasn't right. Nothing looked familiar.

Some unidentified emotion was beginning to rise in my chest, akin to what I'd felt while watching horror movies, or when I'd walked into lecture and forgotten a homework was due.

A horrified realization.

 _Where was I?_

And why, as I raised my hands to my face to brush against the stickiness on my skin, did it smell like blood in here?

It was dark here too, where ever I was. But not dark enough for me to miss the dark red fluid smeared across my hands as I took them off of my face to stare.

There was blood on my face.

"Oh fuck"

My voice breaking through the quiet startled me. Because it didn't sound like _my_ voice.

Instead, it reminded me of the voices I'd heard on the radio late at night, low pitched and sensual, a kind of rawness that didn't match my normally higher pitched voice.

I'd been told once, by a college dorm mate freshman year, when I'd laughed loudly at a joke, that my voice pierced through walls. My cheeks had flooded with shame, and I'd made sure to avoid laughing in his vicinity after that. Not easy, when we all lived in one big hall. But I'd managed.

This voice would never do that.

And the blood on my face told me something was very wrong.

Had I been screaming? Because as I moved my hand to my throat I was suddenly aware of a deep throbbing ache. It was so parched that as I attempted swallow I grimaced in pain.

I was so thirsty. I would kill for a glass of water.

But as I ran my eyes around the gray around me, some sort of warehouse I could now see, I could identify nothing that would assuage my thirst.

My temper flared, red flaring across my vision.

Where. The. Fuck. Was. I?

That startled me too. I wasn't the type to get so angry so easily. That kind of rage that was more of a once per year kind of thing.

But I was also starting to freak out, a hysteria that felt so familiar to me, the spike of anxiety that was normally so irrational seemed so rational in this instance.

I was alone and bleeding in a warehouse and I didn't know where I was.

And, as I patted my pockets, with no cell phone.

The last thing I could remember was walking home in the early morning after pulling an all-nighter on campus. Then, nothing.

Wherever I was, I needed to get out. Whoever had put me here, whatever had happened even though I remembered none of it meant that I had to get out of here and get help.

I stood up, and in a weird moment of disconnect the time between my thought to stand and me actually standing was almost instantaneously.

I reached up to touch my head, momentarily surprised by how soft my hair felt, to prod my head for lumps.

I felt nothing, but the strangeness in how my body was moving, how it felt, how I sounded made me wonder if something had happened, if I had hit my head really hard against something.

Or, I thought, remembering my memory loss, someone had hit me really hard.

As I took my first tentative steps toward where I thought there was a door, I stopped, puzzled. My footsteps were so loud.

Each brush of my foot against the floor was so loud, and I wasn't even trying to stomp hard. They weren't injured either - in fact, my legs felt great, better than normal.

Like the rest of me, even despite the blood on my face.

Everything except my throat. As I thought about it now, it burned even more painfully.

I really needed to find some water. I was most likely severely dehydrated, especially for it to be hurting so much.

As I continued walking towards what I could now see was yes, a door, something brown skittered across my vision.

 _Thud thud thud._

The sound blasted against my ears until it was all I could hear.

 _Thud thud thud._

My mouth filled with saliva, practically dripping - but I didn't have time to be disgusted with myself. In another weird disconnect, I was suddenly on the floor kneeling, my hands wrapped around the creature, pressing my mouth against the warm squirmy something to bite.

The flesh parted beneath my teeth easily and I was drinking, the warm liquid going down my throat and soothing the burn.

After being so thirsty for so long, I was momentarily thrust into a wave of pleasure so strong I was struck with the wonder of it.

Was this what having sex was like? Was this what I had been missing out on all of those years?

The pulse of liquid down my throat raised, heightening my joy, and then receded all together as I made my last swallow.

I came back into my body abruptly, feeling as though someone else - something else - had been in charge.

I was holding the carcass of a bloody creature.

With blood all over my face, in my mouth, and down my throat.

And I had loved every second of it.

I had wondered where the blood on my face had come from.

Now I knew.

 _No no no._

I stood up in a blind panic and made for the doors. And again, it was like the thought had crossed my mind, and suddenly it was happening - the metal doors parting beneath my hands like paper.

I was running hard, panting, and I almost couldn't process the information of what greeted me.

It was bright, too bright and then suddenly the all of the details were swamping my vision, and the noises were too strong.

Until a voice cut across the confusion, and a shadow was standing over me, blocking out the light.

" _What are you doing here?_ "

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 **So there it is! Let me know what you think. This was not proof-read so all errors are mine.**

 **I hope to update this fairly regularly** **since I have an idea of where this is going.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hi guys, this is posting kind of later than I had wanted, I'm going through a break up right now and it's been rough, but I wanted to get this to you all out asap.**

 **All mistakes are mine.**

 **Disclaimer: Do not own Twilight**

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For a moment, I had enjoyed the brief reprieve from the sun.

Until I realized that the man in front of me was glowing, his skin sparkling.

Was I dreaming?

"What are you doing?" He hissed again, annoyed and impatient.

"You're glowing," I murmured. It seemed like the elephant in the room, the only thing I could mention.

And if this was a dream, which, it so clearly was, then I really had nothing else to worry about. I just had to wake up.

"So are you" he hissed.

What? What was he talking about? As I stared at him in confusion, his finger jabbed at my arms.

I looked down.

"Oh."

My arms were glowing too. Shimmering like diamonds.

"Let's go inside," he murmured, before reaching out to jerk me up unceremoniously.

I scrambled away deftly, feeling the dirt kick up under me.

"Don't touch me."

As much as I wanted this to be a dream, there was too much touching going on, too much realness happening. The odd sense that this wasn't something I could escape.

The man bent down so his face was close to mine.

"We need to go inside," he said again, slowly and more patiently. "We can't be seen like this."

My breath caught.

Not because this man was easily the most handsome guy I'd ever seen, but because I'd seen him before.

Edward Cullen.

Freshman year, he'd been the older brother of one of my dorm mates.

He'd stopped by a couple of times to visit her and all the girls in my suite had goggled from their doors each time he'd walked by. It was inescapable. That kind of male beauty didn't seem to exist in this world beyond photoshopped magazine covers. But there he was each time, copper colored hair, golden eyes, and pale skin. A square jaw and defined muscles beneath tailored clothes. Perfection in the flesh.

I'd done my best to play it cool, faking disinterest by concentrating on my studies, but behind closed doors, I had been just as in awe as the rest of them.

Certainly in awe enough to know his first and last name. And to know that Edward didn't have much of a social media presence.

And that had been that. He had graduated that year, and I'd written him off as my first college crush.

Somehow though, recognizing his face made it that much more terrifying.

Because I didn't know who Edward Cullen was. My interest in him had been purely shallow - there'd never been even a remote chance of conversation.

I didn't know what he was capable of and why he was here.

"Edward Cullen."

The name slipped out of my lips as he half way dragged me towards the warehouse, where the sun cast a long shadow.

His arms jerked in surprise, and then tightened on my arms.

His flawless symmetrical features crinkled slightly - and if I hadn't been looking for it I maybe wouldn't have noticed. Edward was upset.

"How do you know this? Who are you? Why can't I read you?"

He shook me lightly, his emotions seeping out.

I frowned, breaking out of his hold.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea, maybe he was some sort of sociopath.

"I dormed with your sister, Rosalie." There. Insert a personal detail about myself, my association with his sister to let him know that I wasn't someone he could just kill and get away with. "And shouldn't I be asking you these questions? And what do you mean, 'read' me?"

He stared back coolly, his eyebrow only lifting at the mention of his sister's name.

"You're the one with blood all over your face and hands, so I feel entitled to be asking the questions. You've clearly just been turned, so I'll ask you this then. Who was your maker?"

As he spoke his brow crinkled with intensity, as though he was trying to find these answers by piercing my brain.

I was taken aback. "I don't - I don't know" I shook my head trying to clear it. "Is this some big prank? Because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, or what happened or why I'm here or who put here."

As he stared at me imperturbably, I was suddenly aware of our positions. His body caged over mine, his defined muscles. If Edward Cullen wanted to hurt me, there was nothing I could do to stop him - I was a small girl, and I rarely worked out. I felt my mood swing from one to the next - disbelief, anger, and finally hysteria.

"Actually, could you please help me? Please don't kill me - I won't tell anyone about the warehouse or the glowing thing," I gestured to his body. "I don't know what happened with the animal- I was so thirsty and then - okay I think I'm going crazy. Can you take me to the hospital? I think I'm sick and I'm seeing things. I don't know if you're real or not but I really need help - I know your sister Rosalie. My name's Bella, Bella Swan. And my roommate will be wondering where I am. I know you're a good person Edward, even though we've never spoken, I know you are."

By the end, I was babbling and near tears, although surprisingly there was no telltale flush on my cheeks or prickle of tears in eyes. Edward was staring at me with wide golden eyes.

He pushed his fingers back through his copper hair, making the ends stick up in a way that would have been amusing if the situation wasn't so horrific, or if he wasn't so ridiculously handsome.

He leaned forward and grasped my hands, stopping me from continuing and stared into my eyes.

"Bella, listen to me. I didn't do this to me, and I know you don't know what happened. But I do know that someone did something to you and that I need to you to come with me. My father is a doctor, and he can help me explain to you what's happening."

Despite the earnest look in his eyes, I drew back uncomfortably. As the daughter of a police chief, I still knew better than to go anywhere with a stranger, no matter how big of a crush I'd once had on him.

"That's okay, you can drop me off at the hospital. Or," I added hastily. "If you point me in the right direction I'm sure I could find my way there, like with an Uber or something"

He drew back away from me then, and he seemed truly sympathetic when he spoke.

"I'm sorry Bella, that's not an option for you."

Then he looked past my head, and I was suddenly very aware of a presence behind me.

"Jasper?"

And then everything went black.

Strangely, this blackness did not cause me to lose consciousness. Instead, it felt as though I suddenly became too tired to hold my eyes open any longer, and too tired to fight back when arms wrapped around me and picked me up.

Somewhere, deep below there was a panic brewing, but it was tempered and held back by the lethargy that overwhelmed me.

Voices whispered above me, but as I tried to focus, the lethargy would push down harder, so only a few phrases leaked through.

"What?"

"Bella Swan... I remember... Her dad's a cop"

"So you can't read her at all?"

"How do we know-"

"You sure?"

And then nothing at all.

I was floating in space when the oppressive weight of the cloud lifted.

I opened my eyes to white.

The bed I was lying on was completely white, from the sheets to the beams that supported it.

In stark contrast to the warehouse, this room also had all white walls, a window with sheer breezy curtains opening to reveal a green forest.

But not just not any forest - my forest.

The one of my youth, before Mom had fled with me out of Forks to the warm desert of Phoenix. The forest I still saw sometimes when I visited my dad.

Relief washed over me.

So, I was still in Washington then.

Something moved in the corner, and my body went into alert, every ounce of my being screaming "Predator!"

I found myself somehow pressed against the corner of the room, perched on the edge of an end table.

There was a man there, with blond hair and golden eyes - like Rosalie and Edward. And like them, he was also one of the best-looking men I'd ever seen.

But his eyes were kind when he smiled at me and spoke.

"Hello Bella, I'm Carlisle Cullen, Edward and Rosalie's father"

I eyed him suspiciously, hands and legs ready to spring towards the open window.

"You look too young to be their father"

He smiled again and moved his hands slowly in shrugging gesture. Trying to appear harmless, I realized.

"Yes, well I can explain this to you right now," he paused. "I had meant to ease you into this more, but… Bella, when you awoke in that warehouse did you notice anything... different about yourself?"

"Yes," I replied slowly. "I think I'm sick or hallucinating. Edward said you were a doctor - are you going to take me to the hospital?"

His smile wavered, and although I did not know him well, I knew I was not going to like what he said next. It must have been the doctor in him, and the patient in me, that I could recognize when bad news was coming my way.

"I can't take you to the hospital Bella - and not because I don't want to, but because I can't" Again, he paused.

"Why not?" I interjected. "Am I being held hostage?"

There was a part of me that recognized I could not escape, open window and everything. Like Edward, Carlisle Cullen looked strong, like he could easily overpower me.

He shook his head. "It's not that. Bella - what you are now, what I and my family are, is the reason we can't take you to the hospital. Because you would slaughter them all"

And then, as if that statement hadn't shocked me enough already, he spoke again.

"Bella, you're a vampire."

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 **Will try to update sooner next time! Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry it took so long to update you all! I was out of town for a few days, and this was a difficult chapter to get through. It's filled with things that we as readers may already know from Twilight, but that my Bella may not know. In case many of you haven't realized, while this follows many of the normal canon conventions, there may be slight differences so I can tell this story the way I want to. In that same vein, Bella particularly, and some of the other characters, may be OOC. Just wanted to make sure you were all aware of this before you read.**

 **On another note, I want to thank Tarbecca for reccing this story at the** **Fic Dive Campfire at A Different Forest! I'm happy you liked this story enough to recommend it and I'm happy other people liked it enough to follow.**

 **As always, these chapters are unbetaed and all mistakes are mine.**

 **Obligatory Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyers** **owns Twilight and its characters. I'm just using them.**

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It occurred to me that either I'd gone completely insane or he had.

Both possibilities were not incredibly comforting to me, so the first thing I did was laugh.

"You're joking, right? That's completely insane."

But my laughter cut off at the expression on his face. He looked... sad.

There was really no other way to put it. His mouth had tilted down, his golden eyes staring sadly at me.

He spoke softly now.

"Bella... I know this is difficult to understand, but look at yourself. There's blood on your shirt, and it isn't yours. You ate something, didn't you? You drank its blood. And your throat... it feels like it's burning right? You're holding it."

I blinked and looked down at my hand, where it clutched at my throat trying, I realized, to soothe the ache in there. I could vividly recall myself grasping the creature's neck, biting through its skin easily, the sweet liquid filling my mouth.

It was easier now looking at the dried, rusted stains on my shirt, to realize that the liquid had been blood, that my teeth had cut through the creature's flesh like it had been nothing. Even the smell of it still called to me, although it was less appealing in its dried state

I ran my tongue across my teeth, realizing for the first time that they felt different in my mouth. I'd had slightly crooked, not straight teeth my whole life. And they'd always felt slightly uneven in my mouth. Never in a bad way, but they were my teeth and they weren't perfect. Now they felt... different.

Smooth and straight, like someone had filed all of my teeth down to the same heights. But no pointy incisors filled my teeth like I had expected.

I tilted my head frowning.

Carlisle smiled again, the tension lifting from his handsome face and something like relief shining across his features.

"Your teeth are just very sharp, but you don't have fangs."

Then I frowned.

"But if all of my teeth are so sharp then why haven't I cut my lips or my tongue?"

His smile faltered again, and a sinking pit filled in my stomach.

"There have been... other changes. Your entire body is different now. Things that once hurt you no longer will. You will have superior senses and strength, especially as a newborn vampire. To answer your question, you could hurt your tongue and mouth, it would just take some slight effort on your part."

I felt as though I the floor was sinking beneath me and I eased myself off of the end table in the corner so I could feel the steady ground on my feet. I thought of how I had missed time, in between my thoughts to do something and my actions for them to occur - almost like I had been moving faster. How the metal doors of the warehouse had parted underneath my hands like paper.

I hadn't given much thought to them at the time, thinking that they must have been old or rusted.

But now I could easily recall the shiny metal of the doors that told me they had likely been fairly new and not old.

I could remember how the outside had briefly overwhelmed me, the sights and sounds and smells. How even now, if I focused I could smell the detergent Carlisle used, could see the strands woven into the fabric of his shirt, and hear the footsteps of other people in the house as they shuffled about.

And the pieces clicked neatly in my head like a puzzle, leading to one final answer.

I'd always been the girl who had read and watched paranormal books and movies. Finding out vampires were real wasn't completely outside of the realm of my imagination and now, knowing what I had done and seen and heard and felt, I could believe it all.

This was real.

I was a vampire

I stared at the girl in the mirror.

She stared back with scarlet eyes.

It had been jarring, seeing myself in the mirror for the first time.

Carlisle had walked me to the bathroom when I'd asked him to show me there, even though as I now knew, I didn't really need to use the toilet now ever again. There was one their house oddly enough, in their house. To keep up appearances, Carlisle informed me. Like the bed in the room, because vampires didn't need to sleep anymore.

For some reason, it was that thought that had scared me the most. There was no escaping this reality. I would be aware of it at all times.

But then, upon viewing myself in the mirror... I knew a different kind of fear.

There was someone staring back at me that I didn't even recognize. A stranger.

I fought the panic rising in my chest, squelching down. Apparently turning into a vampire didn't get rid of anxiety either.

The hair was similar, I thought, studying myself in the mirror. It was glossier, colors more saturated - but close enough. The wave to my hair was still there, only there was a distinct lack of frizz that normally would have left me pleased but instead made me feel... lost.

If my hair made me feel lost, my face made me feel worse.

I'd always been called "cute" by friends and acquaintances. I was content. I was no great beauty, I never would be, but I was okay with myself and my appearance.

The changes in my face made me feel as though they had been lying. Worse, as though I had been lying to myself.

Entire features had shifted, my nose was a different shape, my eyes slightly larger, the lips poutier. Everywhere I looked, there were changes.

I closed my eyes, willing them to go away.

If I closed my eyes I could pretend this wasn't real, could pretend that the person in the mirror was not me.

I knew tears would be pricking my eyes if I could cry, but for some reason, I couldn't.

Anxiety spiked.

I focused on my breathing.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

I steeled myself. I could do this. I could do this. My life hadn't been hard but it hadn't been easy either. I knew I could survive this.

I opened my eyes and looked, seeking out similarities instead of differences this time

On second glance, my lip shape was actually still the same.

My face was still heart shaped.

My eyes tilted up at that corners still.

I closed my eyes.

I could do this.

I left the bathroom with some degree of difficulty. When I had gripped the doorknob to open the door, it had warped and then broken off.

Normal, a voice had assured me from the living room, which I had caught easily, despite me knowing that the voice was spoken softly several rooms away.

There was something disturbing about that, knowing that others had been able to hear me quietly breaking down in the room next door.

As I stepped towards the area where the noises were coming from, they quieted more, until at last, I was there.

The room, like the bedroom and much of the rest of the house, also featured white as a primary color scheme. This time, there were more colors mixed in, cream and blue pops of color in the pillows, the rugs. A large open window cast a radiant glow across the room. It too, Beautiful, like it's occupants.

There, sitting on the couches, they waited for me.

I saw Rosalie first, my eyes seeking her out. She was as flawless as I had remembered, blond hair perfectly coiffed, and impeccable clothes. Her beauty had always seemed so impossible to me, every time I had seen her. Now it made sense. Still, even seeing her among the rest of her family she stood out.

There was Emmett, a curly haired man with intimidating muscles that I could vaguely remember visiting Rosalie in her dorm room, for the short time she had been there.

There was Carlisle, sitting in an arm chair, who smiled faintly as I walked through the doorway.

His wife, caramel-haired Esme who smiled at me from the couch beside it. The matriarch.

Then two strangers perched in the loveseat, the gifted ones.

Alice, the girl with the short black hair, the future seer.

Jasper, another blond, whose scarred body made me stiffen, even though I had been warned ahead of time. The empath.

And finally... Edward. The mind reader.

I was grateful that for once my face did not flush when I looked at him. I wondered what he had thought, hearing the things I had thought of him.

He smiled at me wryly.

"I can't read your thoughts"

I blinked.

"What?"

Carlisle cleared his throat from his armchair.

"I didn't address this before, but we've realized that you appear to have some sort of mental block. Jasper can still feel your emotions, Alice can still see your futures, but Edward for some reason cannot read your thoughts. We think it might have to do with your gift, or maybe the way you were when you were a human"

The past tense bothered me. When you were a human. Which I no longer was. No more turning back.

Still, I pushed forward with the question burning in my mind.

"Do you know who made me this way? Who made me a vampire?"

Carlisle looked uncomfortable, his legs crossing and uncrossing. Esme leaned over and gently placed her hand on his leg. The moment was so human that I couldn't help but stare.

"We don't know. We were actually just hoping that you could tell us more, tell us what happened. The transformation can take anywhere from two to five days, the pain is usually... indescribable. Are you certain that you remember none of it?"

For a moment I was at a lost. I remembered nothing. Pain? There wasn't a scrap of any of that in my mind.

Then as his words fully registered, I started.

"Two to five days? I need to call my dad tell him I'm okay. My roommates must have reported me missing. And I had a final on Tuesday, I need to email my professor."

With every word I spoke, they all began to look more and more uncomfortable, shifting their eyes away from me.

Only Carlisle would meet my gaze.

"Bella... You may not realize this because we fed you will you were under, but as a newborn your bloodlust will be unmanageable around humans. Frankly, I'm surprised you've been so coherent for so long." He paused. "But the reality of the situation is still the same. You can't be around humans"

"So what?" My voice broke. "Is the solution to let my dad think I'm dead? To let everyone think I'm dead? I only had one more quarter of college left - is my whole life over?"

My dad had been so proud me when I'd been accepted. Neither of my parents had made it all the way through college, my dad had gone straight into the police academy while my mom had been knocked up with me. My dad had asked me when my graduation was so he could take time off of work to be there.

And now he was going to think I was dead?

No.

There was no way I was going to allow this to happen.

My eyes fell upon the open window in the living room, morning light peeking through.

I could make it. I knew I could. What else was this super strength good for.

As if he could read my intent, the blond boy, Jasper started.

And I reacted instinctively, throwing him off when he launched himself at me.

One by one they came to me, but their attempts were clumsy, almost as if they were not used to taking someone down.

I threw them off easily, even the large one, Emmett could not suppress me, and darted for the open window.

The forest was lush and green.

I didn't know where I was, but I knew that if I ran far enough in one direction I could eventually find civilization. Super speed and all of that, like Carlisle had said.

What did they mean that I couldn't see my friends? Finish college? See my dad?

I could remember Carlisle's words come back to me, and slowed suddenly.

You'll slaughter them all.

I wouldn't.

This was my dad. There were my friends.

You'll slaughter them all.

The fire in my throat burned hot. Hungry. I was salivating. For them, the people I loved most.

I stopped, my hands clutching at my throat. And suddenly I didn't want to see them because I missed them. I was so hungry. They were food. I was a predator and they were prey.

And then it was all I could do to stop myself.

My breath was coming out in gasps, and then I was sobbing. Crying, but with no tears.

I let go of my throat and grabbed for the nearest tree trunk. My hands dug into the tree sinking. Anchoring myself. I knew that if I let go of this anchor, then I would run and run until I found them. And killed them.

And then he was there. Edward, murmuring in soothing tones, clutching me and tackling me to the ground.

I sobbed harder.

His arms pressed me to him in awkwardly. He clearly wasn't used to comforting someone. But I appreciated the effort nevertheless.

"I'm sorry"

His voice was soft in my ear.

I broke.

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 **Thanks for reading! I'm worried that this chapter may have been boring for some of you, but for me it felt necessary to follow Bella's emotional state as she goes through this situation. Feel free to PM me questions or comments, or just put it on a review.**

 **I'll try and update soon! Have a great Sunday!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the lateness! For those who asked, I do plan on continuing the story, life just sort of really got in the way this past month, but I'll try adhering more to a consistent schedule again. The ending for this story is mapped out, so I'm fairly certain that it'll be easier this time.**

 **Disclaimer:** **Stephenie Meyers** **owns Twilight and its characters. I'm just using them.**

* * *

The days passed by like a blur.

There was an unspoken tension between the Cullens and I.

We all knew that I had to remain under their "guardianship," as Carlisle called it, but we also knew that I didn't have to like it.

The Cullens practiced a form of Vegetarianism, as they called it. They fed only on the blood of animals. Just like I had initially done when I'd woken up. This pleased them because they felt as though I too could acquiesce to their lifestyle.

I, however, was motivated purely by the desire to see my parents. It didn't even matter if I never saw Jessica, my roommate or Angela, my best friend, ever again. By now I realized that although it was painful, it was nothing compared to not seeing my parents.

Daily, I pleaded with Carlisle. All I needed to do was make a phone call, or even send a letter maybe.

I needed to be able to say goodbye.

But making contact was too risky he said, particularly with my father's profession. Not mention, he had added ominously, there were rules in place.

That had been when I had learned of the Volturi, the vampires' most powerful coven.

Aro, their leader, kept a large collection of vampires even more talented than the Cullens to keep the large majority of vampires worldwide inline.

They were stationed in Italy however, Alice informed me. And Aro kept his distance from Carlisle because of their separate ideologies.

However, they both agreed that vampires had to remain a secret, and Carlisle had no desire to go against Aro, the only one who truly wished to be in power.

Unspoken were the words that if Aro ever impugned or imposed upon the Cullens there would be hell to pay. Afterall, Alice would see it coming the moment they made the decision to do so.

Alice herself was tricky.

While the others had made themselves scarce, Rosalie and Emmett disappearing off on some long-awaited vacation, Alice had done the opposite.

It was clear to me that she desperately wanted to friends, from the way she easily volunteered information, helpfully provided clothes, and made herself available to me at every opportunity, but her ever-present cheerful personality grated on my nerves, working me up into an annoyance that I knew was wrong - she was only being nice- but one I couldn't help despite myself.

It was just infuriating to have someone around me so cheerful when I found myself increasingly angry.

To that end, Jasper, often sensing my frustration would come to collect her, shooting me a look of warning that if I dared harm a hair on her head, there would be extreme repercussions.

That was the other thing. In a house full of vampires, I hadn't realized that the majority of them were paired up. Each day, I was treated to the sounds of their voices and bodies as they engaged in certain physical activities.

The sex.

With no sleep required and endless hours in the day, it was inevitable that 1 out of the 3 couples would be copulating in one of the many rooms of the Cullen household.

Before they had left, Rosalie and Emmett had been some of the fiercest engagers in that activity.

I would run outside to the forest to escape the noises and their happiness.

So yeah, I was in a bad mood.

Understandable given that I was essentially a prisoner in their house and that my life was all but over.

"Bella?"

I fell out of my musings and stiffened.

Of course, I wasn't the only Cullen outside of these couples.

Edward was too.

Ever since that day in the forest, when Edward had held me as I wept, there had been an awkward stiltedness to our conversations.

How could there not, when someone who was practically a stranger had been privy to one of my most personal moments?

Not to mention - this was Edward.

Handsome, smart Edward. The guy my college self had spied on from hallways and secretly fantasized about.

But now he was also Edward, my gatekeeper. The guy who watched me and kept from wandering too far off the Cullen land, who monitored me through Jasper's senses and Alice's visions.

My prison guard.

Maybe a mutual bond should have begun to develop between us through all of this, but instead, I found myself resenting the position I had been placed with him.

I saw the looks Alice and Esme shot at each other when they saw Edward and me in any sort of proximity. They were playing matchmaker.

The way they always seemed to pair off, leaving Edward and me together, as though this was some sort of fantasy match made in the heavens.

But this wasn't some sort of movie, this was my LIFE. I wasn't going to be falling head over heels in love with Edward Cullen when my parents were sick to death over my absence, when I wasn't going to graduate college, when I wasn't going to have much of a life beyond wanting to kill people and drink their blood.

Which is why when Edward greeted me, my response was cold.

"What?"

He smiled in spite of my tone.

"It's tough being in that house all of the time, huh?"

Edward for his part always tried being kind despite my attitude. I wasn't really the nicest person to be around. I knew this all, but I could never help myself.

"It's tough knowing that your life is over, that your parents think you're dead."

God, I really sounded like a moody teenager.

I watched Edward closely as my words landed, hoping that they would have their intended effect and he would leave.

Instead, I watched as ever so minutely his brow twitched, so fast my human eyes never would have ever caught it.

As his mouth opened to reply, my hand lashed out and caught his arm.

"What was that?"

His eyebrow lifted.

"What was what?"

"That thing your eyebrow did when I mentioned my parents and my life being over. What was that for?"

A pause.

When he opened his mouth once more I interrupted again.

"Don't lie to me Edward, I know that pause. You all do it when you're preparing to lie to me."

He paused again, studying my face with a close scrutiny that made me uncomfortable the longer it lasted. This was big, I could feel it.

"Please don't lie to me," I spoke softly, staring at him with my mouth curved down and my eyes lowered. Manipulation at its finest. I may have had conflicting feelings about Edward, but I was certain he liked me or at least felt a modicum of pity for me.

He glanced away and cleared his throat, as if steeling himself, then turned and faced me once more.

"We didn't think it best to let you know this... especially since you assumed right away that your family thought you were dead. We were hoping it would help you adjust to being a vampire better, but..."

He trailed off then began again, stronger now and more secure in his decision.

"Your parents don't know you're dead yet. Of course, they will eventually, but it's only been a few weeks. We thought it best to not let them know just yet until we figure out who changed you, to have less interference - especially since your father is police officer"

My throat was dry. I cleared it.

"But what about my roommates? Don't they know I'm missing?"

He spoke more easily now, as if eased by my lack reaction.

"We cleared your things out and sent them a message from your phone that you had a family emergency and had to leave. We told them we'd continue to pay rent of course, and that seemed to leave them mostly appeased - although you have gotten some texts from a girl named Angela. We've assured her that you're fine of course. And we've been texting your parents too, so they think you're fine."

"By pretending to be me?"

There was an edge to my voice now, that Edward either didn't notice or pretended not to.

"Of course, it was simple enough by comparing similar texts you've sent before."

My body was hot and then cold, and I was filled with an icy rage.

"Fuck you"

He started.

"What?"

"Fuck you Edward Cullen," I repeated. I didn't sound like myself anymore, not my old self and not my new self. I'd never heard this type of vitriol come from my mouth.

"You make me believe that everyone I love thinks I'm dead, you keep trapped here, and worse, you violate my privacy and go through my stuff and pretend to be me, all the while keeping me from communicating with them? I'm grateful for everything you've done for me, but I had no idea that all of you were capable of being so cruel. So fuck you and fuck your family."

Logically, I knew that none of this was fair. I knew they had all done everything as best as they could have. But at the same none of it mattered. I was the girl who wanted to see her family again, who wanted to speak to them again - if only to say I love once more.

I turned and ran, and for once, Edward did not follow.

I ran to the far edge of the boundary, the furthest on the Cullen land I could go, without risking them coming after them, and wept.

Some hours later I lay there still, blessedly alone.

I couldn't keep doing this. I couldn't mope around the Cullen compound crying and sobbing about my life being over.

My tidal wave of grief had subsided, but a dim glow of rage remained.

It was time to do something about it.

Someone was responsible for what had happened to me. That someone was not the Cullens, who had done everything in their power to care for me in the aftermath.

My rage needed to be directed at whoever had done this to me.

I had to find them.

My control as a vampire was the best he'd ever seen, Jasper had told me. If I directed my focus into perfecting my control, I knew I would be ready soon to venture into the real world.

With my newborn strength and speed, I knew I could escape the Cullens if need be.

I only had Alice to worry about. But her gift was not infallible. I could do this.

I could run and find the culprit. I had all of the time in the world now.

And I knew where to begin, where the greatest source of information on all vampires in the world.

The Volturi.

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 **Thanks for reading! All errors are mine per usual. I'm curious as to what you all think of Bella this chapter - she seems to be cycling through different stages pretty fast.**

 **Let me know what you all think and see you all soon!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry guys, this chapter was pretty rough to write. Something wasn't quite right about it, so in the end I took out out some stuff, moved some around, and added another 1,000 words. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: Do not own Twilight.**

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So weak.

I stared at ripped apart carcass in my arms, my shirt and face covered in gore.

Beside me Jasper stood eyeing me balefully, not a spot in his shirt, hair barely ruffled.

I wasn't ready. I was nowhere near ready. I'd starved myself to test my control, sure that I could reach the animal and drink it neatly and with careful reserve.

But still, I had failed, reducing the deer to mere scraps.

"Not bad"

Jasper's voice shocked me out my thoughts.

Ever since my falling out with Edward, he'd become more of my caretaker, my trainer.

Not to mention, it was easier with Jasper. He'd clearly done this before, and our relationship was more professional and less personal.

There was also no powerful attraction.

"What do you mean," I asked warily. I'd ripped it shreds.

He tilted his head, considering.

"It's not the cleanest work, but you cut its throat open with precision, and look, only your shirt and face have stains. Your pants are fairly clean."

It was ridiculous that I could be happy with something so trivial as my pants not being clean, but I let it warm me nonetheless.

Progress.

Strength was not something that came easily to me.

I thought that as I scrubbed my clothing in the laundry room, trying to rinse out the worst of the blood stains. I did so carefully, a test to myself, of my control over my strength. That I could clean out the stains but avoid ripping the fabric.

The movies I'd seen, the books I'd read had made it seem so easy. A flip of the page, a change of scene, and the character was a different person - stronger.

Worst of all, I knew I was my greatest weakness. There was nothing holding me back but myself.

So I was struggling.

I was struggling more than I ever had. But the goal meant more than it ever had.

I was staring at the line now between what I could and could not control. I could not control what I had become, or what would happen to my family, but I could avenge myself. I could make sure this never happened to anyone else again.

I just had to find out who had done it. In this way, knowledge was power. And even though they were a continent away, the Volturi had the most of it.

I was going to Italy no matter what.

"Bella?"

I stopped my scrubbing and paused, belatedly wondering if my thoughts were as evident on my face as they were in my mind.

I turned and smiled.

"Esme."

For once I didn't have to pretend the slight joy that crept into my voice at the sight of her face.

There was something so genuine about Esme, even with my issues with her husband and the rest of the Cullens, my mind had instantly absolved her of blame. Maybe because she reminded so much of my own mother - or worse, though I could scarcely admit it to myself - she reminded me of the mother I'd never had. The kind of mother I'd always wanted Renee to me. Selfless and endlessly devoted to her children.

My smile faded though as I took in the bag she held in her hands. I knew what was in there. I could smell it.

My belongings, stinking of sweat and terror and blood. There was a small nagging thought in my head that warned me that maybe I didn't want these things back. That all of this progress I was making would be undone by remembering the girl who had woken up in the warehouse so cold and so alone and so... weak. I paused my thoughts at that point.

I couldn't afford to have those thoughts. Not twice in one day. I had to keep being strong. To keep thinking I was strong. Pretend it was so until it really was.

Which is why despite myself, my hands reached out for the bundle.

Esme watched me silently, handing over the items and letting me process.

"Thank you," I spoke softly, running my hands over the bundle, careful as always, afraid to tear it with my strength.

"It was never ours to keep," she spoke softly. My heart warmed, until she opened her mouth to speak again.

"Everything you came to us with should be in there - minus your cellphone."

My hands froze over the bundle.

Esme watched me, a steel in her eyes that I had never seen but I realized had always probably been there.

"I want you to understand that we do this for your own protection Bella. Not because we are your prison guards, not because we are trying to keep you from your family, but rather, because we are trying to keep your family safe from _you_. We are also trying to keep safe from other forces at work here. Do you understand? "

The last part was said with emphasis, and her tone made me feel the creeping shame wash over me. Of course I did. I was the danger here, the one who knew nothing about the world she was now a part of.

"I understand," I spoke softly.

She smiled, back to the warm motherly Esme I knew.

"Good. And try some hydrogen peroxide on that." She said, gesturing to the t-shirt draped over the sink.

I waited until she was gone to tear open the bag, my hands running over the clothing inside until I found my jacket, my hands closing over one of the zippered pockets. I unzipped it carefully and reached in to wrap my hands against plastic debit card I had stashed in there.

I closed my eyes and sighed, feeling the taste of freedom on my tongue.

Of course I understood. I knew that I was the danger here. I was grateful they were guiding me towards being a better person, that they had kept me from taking any human lives.

But like an adult living too long under their parents' roof, I was chafing against their rules. I wished so desperately that they could let me decide on my own, let me make or not make the mistakes they were so afraid I would.

My mind was growing firmer in my belief.

I had to leave. The Volturi remained my goal.

Even if it was wrong, even if I did not know what I was getting into. Something had to change.

Things were being done to me.

I had to stop letting this happen, stop being the victim. I had to see them.

In the 3rd floor bedroom they'd given me, I stared at the items I'd acquired on my bed. The plan was coming together.

A debit card with access to the funds I'd been saving for college. Sunglasses to cover my red eyes once I was out in the real world. A large amount of winter clothing, courtesy of a shopaholic Alice, to cover my skin from the sun during the daytime.

Just a few more things, a bit more training, and then I'd be ready.

I packed each thing in my bedside drawer, memorizing their placement so I'd know if someone went through my things.

A knock on the door.

I whirled around, glad that my heart could not beat, that my cheeks could not blush and betray my secret.

You are stone, I told myself sternly. Stone. Nothing must betray my emotions. I already knew too that Jasper had stopped monitoring me as much as he had when I'd first arrived, so there was little chance he'd sense them.

"Come in," I called lightly, pleased by how normal my voice sounded.

The door opened and Alice stepped through.

I nearly flinched, but kept myself still just in time.

I'd been waiting for this, waiting for Alice to see me in a vision, see the decision in my mind and come to stop me. I was more surprised Edward hadn't come with her to talk me out of it though. Actually, I was more surprised the whole family wasn't here for this intervention.

She moved suddenly, and there she was clasping my hands and staring earnestly into my face.

"I'm sorry Bella. I've just wanted to -" She stopped, paused, and then continued. "Sometimes... I mix-up the future with the present. I've wanted to be friends. I haven't been the best friend to you. I need to let you make your own choices."

The last sentence seemed to be something she was telling herself more than me, but I appreciated the sentiment. Still, I was relieved - she hadn't seen me then, she was only coming to apologize.

"It's okay," I said softly, staring into her eyes. Forgiveness was something that had always come to me naturally - even before all of this. Finally, I could see bits of the old Bella blending in with the new.

She smiled, in a way that made me wonder about the skeletons in her closet. Made me wonder what exactly she hid beneath her cheerful exterior.

"Thanks Bella, that means a lot to me. I have to go now, Jasper is waiting for me. See ya later!"

And then she bounced away, closing the door behind her.

I sat on my bed, thinking. Our conversation had made me realize that in all of our interactions, when I'd been frustrated by her presence, that I'd never once asked anything about her or her past.

It also felt too late. Maybe later, when I wasn't preparing to leave them all behind. Maybe then I could ask about what she had looked so haunted by.

Idly, I wondered then about Rosalie and her husband Emmett.

I was surprised she'd never come back from her extended vacation. We'd interacted briefly in her short stay at college. What I realized now I had most likely been a passing fancy for her.

Maybe I'd just been a faceless human to her. One of many. That hurt a bit. But there was nothing to do about it now.

In many ways, although my body remained here, my mind was already gone, off hunting my killer.

After that, the days passed like a blur. I'd fended off apologies from Carlisle, who much like his wife, still believed that they were doing the right thing.

That was fine. They could do what was right for them, and I could do what was right for me.

Edward and I avoided each other as before. Many times I could feel his gaze on me, watching my struggle with my control.

Even though empathy was not my forte, I could feel his pride as I succeeded - and his sorrow as I continued to avoid him.

Much like with Alice it felt too late.

I didn't have time to start something with him when all I needed to do was leave.

And I had to. It was inevitable.

Weeks later, I stood at the edge of the boundary.

My clothing was immaculate from my hunts earlier in the day when I'd gorged myself on animal blood in preparation.

I'd try to avoid the human population as much as possible while I made my way to Italy. So many of the details in my head were unclear, but one shone in my mind clearly.

I had to leave. I had to go.

I stepped forward.

"Bella."

I stopped. Of course, it wouldn't be easy. With Alice's visions, with Jasper's senses.

They all knew I was leaving.

They had to.

It was ridiculous to think that I could just leave and they wouldn't notice.

I turned to face him.

In the moonlight his face his was so sharply beautiful my heart ached. My anger at him had fled as swiftly as it had come upon me, so many weeks ago. In the end, despite us being vampires, we were really just human on the inside. Deeply flawed, making mistakes and always trying to make them better.

"Yes?" I answered softly.

He paused - searching for the right words.

"Don't go."

"Why? I'm ready." I told him, preparing myself for a rebuttal to whatever he would tell me.

He grasped at his hair, the way he always did when he was frustrated.

"It's not that," he sighed, frustrated. "I know you are."

I let that thought sink in and process. They wouldn't have let me go if they didn't think I was ready.

Jasper must have given his seal of approval.

"Then what is it?" I asked, tilting my head slightly.

He dropped his hands and stared at me inscrutably.

I met his golden gaze with my red one. There was something tangible in the air between us - we didn't need an empath like Jasper to tell us.

"I don't know how to describe it but there's something-something between us" He finished.

My heart stirred. It was nice sometimes, even when you were so sure, to hear the confirmation come from someone else's mouth.

"I know," I said softly.

Hope stirred in his eyes.

"But I have to go," I added.

He mouth curved down slightly.

"Bella... what you're looking for, you won't find it with the Volturi."

"Maybe not," I replied. "But I have to see for myself. "

I turned and took a step. Paused.

"About us... Will you - Can I come back after?"

I didn't specify the after. We both knew that was ambiguous in and of itself. I wanted to ask him to wait for me. But that also seemed unfair.

His voice carried out from behind me.

"Of course."

I didn't stop to think about the emotions rolling through his voice.

I took a step, and then another, and then I was off. Gone.

There were no steps behind me.

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 **That's it, let me know what you think! I know it's frustrating following an author who updates irregularly, but I'll try harder to get out more regular updates. Until next time!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey! I'm back... To be honest this chapter has been ready for a while. In fact, most of the chapters of the story are now done. It's difficult knowing when to stop trying to edit a chapter and when to just post. But I want to finish this story, so that's what will happen. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Recap: Bella has ventured off into the world for the first time, in search of answers.**

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Nothing was ever as easy as it seemed

Maybe this was why they had allowed me to leave, to let the reality of the world hit smack in the face.

It was so loud.

The Cullen's house had been soundproofed for the most part, for the sake of everyone and their sanity. The forest had been louder, the slight sounds of wildlife, the clicks of the insects, the call of the river.

I had eventually learned to tune most of it out, particularly since the noises had remained for the most part, consistent. When I had hunted, I had trained to focus my senses down to a single point - the heartbeat of my prey, the smell of its flesh.

In the real world it was... difficult.

A trickle of doubt wiggled into my chest. It was hard sometimes being a newborn, feeling everything so intensely. I shoved the feeling down. I could only have so many pity parties. I had to be stronger

I heard Seattle before I saw it. A cacophony of noise assaulted me. The whoosh of the cars, the chatter of people rising, the sound of the airplanes as they landed at Sea-Tac.

Then a gust of wind blew in my direction and with it came the smell.

A veritable feast of prey, their scent wafting from the city like a stench. It was no wonder the Cullen's lived far away from civilization. The temptation would drive anyone insane if they lived there long term.

My feet moved quickly on their own, compulsively towards the smell. I couldn't help it.

I was so hungry.

There were no words to describe the hunger that raged within me. Only feeling. Only want greater than I'd ever felt before, want so primal and base that it hollowed me out inside, emptying out everything that was Bella and replacing it with someone else. Something else.

I was moving faster and faster now, racing towards the smell.

I need it.

I need it.

Mine.

A glint of light caught my eye and for a moment I paused, my senses on high alert for any interruptions. A predator was always on the lookout for another trying to steal their meal.

It was the only instinct I had greater than my desire.

I saw a woman, beautiful and sensual - but also jarringly red-eyed, her beauty not masking her otherness. Her face was dirty, her hair was disheveled and she was barefoot, clutching a bag in harms.

The familiarity of her face shocked me out my hunger-induced trance.

Me.

The clear thought burst through and for a moment the monster inside receded enough for me to take control. I shuddered, and then pinched my nostrils to seal off my sense of smell.

It helped, somewhat, but my mind knew the smell was out there. I had to regain control. I had to remember my humanity - whatever was left of it.

I closed my eyes and visualized a shield in my mind. I had one, or so Cullen's had said. It was what made me impervious to Edward's mind reading. It, whatever it was, would also have to keep me safe from myself.

I could not - no I would not, go back.

Once my shield was strong enough, I would find food. If I had any chance of surviving Seattle and the airport, I would have to be well fed.

My mouth moved over in silent repetition to myself.

Impenetrable. Impenetrable.

I would be that.

After eating, I approached a lone single story house, separated from others in its division. The lights were off, the occupants of the house were long gone - on vacation perhaps? More importantly, there were also no security cameras.

I lept to balance on the ledge of the second-floor window and broke the latch easily, stepping in to land lightly onto carpeted floors.

Then paused.

The house was not empty like I had thought. In fact, it very much still occupied. The scent of decay was strong in my nose, reminding me of what happened to the animal bodies after I drank from them.

Of course, those never actually made all the way to quite this point, other creatures usually made it further.

I followed the scent down the hallway into another bedroom. A body lay on the bed, beneath the comforter, head poking out as though its occupant had been asleep. I wrinkled my nose. Even worse than the smell of decomposition, the smell of coagulated blood was worse. Like food that had gone bad in the fridge.

I turned and walked out of the room, closing the door. That might keep the scent out while I did my business.

I located the bathroom easily, and slipped out of clothes and stepped into the shower.

The dirt and flecks of blood from my trip fell easily off. I understood now why the Cullen's took such care with their clothing and why they worse shoes despite not needing to. It made it easier to return to society, to blend in with everyone else without having to do unnecessary things like this.

Once out, I slipped in the contacts the Cullen's had loaned me, transforming my red eyes into brown. It was almost jarring, seeing myself with brown eyes again. My human memories were blurry and less clear now after all this time, so my vampire self was now more familiar to see. The brown eyes were more uncomfortable to see. Judging, assessing, as if they were seeing who I was now.

I gave the mirror girl a closed-lipped smile and slid sunglasses on over my eyes. Gorgeous and powerful. I let the rightness of those feelings settle over me.

Yes, gorgeous and powerful, all combined making me so strong. I wasn't that weak girl anymore. Bella, poor weak Bella, trying to get better grades in college, mooning over boys like Edward - No, I wouldn't think of that.

My vampire memories contained only those of the Cullen's, so sharp and pristine. My thoughts returned to Edward approximately 6 times an hour, once every 10 minutes. I couldn't help it. But every time I did, I could see his golden eyes assessing me, remembering bloody broken Bella. Weak Bella.

I had to find my killer and then, only then, would I think of Edward and my family and everything else. Once I came back strong and my vengeance sated. Eyes on the prize.

The airport wasn't so bad. It was crowded, filled with people, but I took that as the practice I needed

"Are you okay?"

I blinked. I'd been... thinking. Of something. Zoned out? Truthfully, I hadn't known that vampires could zone out. Sometimes there were so many stimuli that I couldn't comprehend it all and then... stuff happened. I mulled this over for a moment, before realizing I hadn't responded to the question asked to me.

I looked up and smiled at the women who had spoken.

"I'm fine."

Her breath caught and her heart raced enticingly. Some part of her must have known that she had just come face to face with a predator. Still though... humans could be so silly. Look at the way I'd fawned over Edward.

The girl flushed pink for a brief moment. My eyes caught on the pink and held, traveling down to eye the pulse in her neck.

"Sorry, I just thought I'd ask - I'm on my way home cause my grandma died, and I feel sort of bummed. Sometimes you just want someone to ask you if you're okay, yah know? At least, that's how I was feeling just now. And then I saw your face, and you seemed... sad too, and I thought, why not? Why not ask? What do you have to lose Bree? But now I'm rambling and I've probably bothered you and I'm so sorry."

I blinked for a moment. Stunned. The girl stared - Bree? - stared back at me expectantly and I realized that she was waiting for a response. My mind went over her words quickly.

"Are you... okay?"

I asked tentatively. It seemed like the correct thing to do.

She smiled once and then it wavered before collapsing into the seat next to me.

"I know you're just trying to be nice, and I know the correct thing for me to do would be to tell you that I'm fine and then to go on my way like we never met, but I'm not okay. I can't lie. I just didn't expect her to die. She was old and I knew that, but I just sort of thought she'd always be there. But next thing you know, I'm getting a call from my sister and she's telling me that grandma died in her sleep. I just wasn't ready. But that's death I guess. We're never ready, not really."

I sat there frozen, her words falling over me like cold water.

I thought of another body, lying so cold and still in bed. Had I really dismissed it so callously? Had I just told myself to think of it as an empty vessel, an unappetizing meal and instead not thought that the body was an old man, with wrinkled skin and laugh lines around his eyes? That the house was full of pictures of him and what must have been his wife and kids and grandkids. What had happened to Bree's grandmother had happened to this man. It would happen to my dad and my friends and everyone I had ever known.

Was that why I had distanced myself? Called them humans as though I hadn't been one, as though in some ways I still wasn't one.

I twisted my hands together. Bree had stopped speaking, and she sat there silently before glancing at me.

Her mouth curved up trembling.

"Sorry about that - real downer, huh?"

I smiled at her, trying to give every appearance of calm.

"No it's just that - you've reminded me of something."

In a split second, a thought crossed my mind and I stood, saying.

"I have to do something right now."

Giving myself no time to think, I walked as briskly as I could while maintaining human speed, until I found what most airports still had to this day: a payphone.

My hands shook as I slid my credit card into the slot. Was I really doing this? Don't think about it Bella, I reminded myself firmly.

I lifted the phone and dialed the numbers I knew so well. Not forgotten, not gone, just shoved down away and away so I could forget.. Forget who I once was, who I still was.

The number rang so long I was half scared it would go voicemail and half scared I would lose my nerve before anyone answered. But at last, there was a click, and a voice so familiar I almost wept with relief.

"Dad? It's me, Bella"


End file.
